Comedic Monologues: 8 Original Pieces for Every Age

How to Choose and Cut Comedic Monologues

Pick by voice as well as age. Some people are naturally deadpan, some are warm, and others are fast and nervous. So read two or three of the pieces below out loud and keep the one that feels like your own mouth. Then check it against this short list.

• Age: stay inside the range printed above each piece, or very close to it.
• Length: at a comfortable pace, a minute is about 130 to 150 words. Many calls ask for one to two minutes, so read the requirements first, and see our guide to monologues for auditions for the details.
• Cuts: start where the joke starts, and end right after the turn. Also trim lines that only explain the situation.
• Setting: a chair and one fixed spot for your imaginary partner are enough, so keep it simple.

For a filmed audition, the same rules apply, but with your eyes placed just beside the lens. Our self-tape guide shows how to set it up.

Comedic Monologues for Ages 18 to 35

1. Two Truths and a Lie

Young adult, ages 18 to 24, any gender · nervous and fast · about 1 minute. It is orientation day, and the icebreaker circle has just reached this person.

Okay. Two truths and a lie. So, great. Love this game. I’ve never played it, which is a truth, so that’s one down. (Beat.) Wait, does that count? Is that my first one? Okay, then it counts.

My name is Dani, I’m from here, and I have never once been on time to anything. That’s two. Neither one is the lie. I’m just very honest, which, I’m realizing, is exactly how this game ruins you.

Three. I once ate an entire birthday cake at a party where I didn’t know the birthday person. (Looks around.) Because nobody’s going to guess that one, right? Too specific?

Fine. Also, can I change one? I can’t change one. So which one’s the lie? You can’t know. I don’t know. I panicked and told you three truths, and now I’m a person with no lie, standing in front of all of you, being real. Please never do that to me again.

Let the panic build in your breathing instead of your volume. The laugh is on “being real,” so slow down for that line. Then look at the circle for the first time.

2. Roommate Interview

Adult, ages 25 to 35, any gender · dry and deadpan · about 1 minute. A stranger who answered the ad for the spare room sits across the kitchen table.

Great, thanks for coming. I’ll start with the easy ones. Do you cook? Good. Do you cook at three in the morning? Also good, I just need to know. (Writes.) Do you have strong feelings about the thermostat? Because I do, and they’re not up for discussion.

Now, here’s the money situation. Rent is split evenly, and there’s a shared fund for toilet paper. We call it the Fund. You don’t touch the Fund. You contribute to the Fund.

(Leans in.) Now, the important question. The refrigerator has one shelf that’s ours. On that shelf is a yogurt that isn’t mine and isn’t anyone’s, and it has been there since March. Would you throw it out? Or would you walk away from it, the way we all have?

(Waits.) Take your time. This is the whole interview, because everything else was just to make you comfortable.

Stay friendly and a little too calm, like a person who has had this conversation with the yogurt many times. Also, look at your imaginary candidate after each question, because the waiting is part of the joke.

3. Storm-Proof

Adult, ages 25 to 40, any gender · deadpan and polite · about 1 minute. This person stands at a store counter holding a bent metal frame, speaking to the clerk.

Hi. I’d like to return this umbrella. The tag said “storm-proof.” I’d like to point out, gently, that it was not.

First, it turned inside out at the corner of Fifth and Pine. I want to say that again, because I was there. It went inside out, then it went outward again, and then it left. It left my hand. I watched it go down the street like a bird that had made some decisions.

I’m not upset at the storm, because the storm did what a storm does. (Beat.) What I’m upset at is the word “proof.” That’s a big word. That’s a promise.

(Sets the frame on the counter.) This is what I recovered. A man in a delivery truck handed it back to me. He was very kind. He didn’t make eye contact.

So, I’d like a refund, or store credit, or a different umbrella. A shorter one. With fewer promises.

Play the dignity instead of the joke. You are completely reasonable, so the last line is a calm request and never a punch line.

Comedic Monologues for Ages 30 to 50

4. Hold Music

Adult, ages 30 to 45, any gender · mounting frustration that turns tender · about 1 minute. Alone in the kitchen, this person has spent fifty-two minutes on hold with the internet company, on speaker.

Fifty-two minutes. I want you to know I noticed. “Your call is important to us,” you said, every four minutes, like a promise you keep forgetting.

(Listens to the music.) And this song. The same eight bars of saxophone. At first I hated it. At minute twenty I started humming. At minute thirty I made up a second part. Now? (Hums.) Now I think we’ve got something.

I’ve eaten a sandwich. I’ve reorganized the junk drawer. I’ve decided to forgive my brother for the thing with the boat. You’ve changed me, hold music.

(The music stops. A click. Up straight, ready.) Hello! Yes! Hi, I’m… (The music comes back. Beat.) Oh. (Sits down again.) That’s fine. Take your time. We have a song.

Build the speed through the first paragraph, then drop it completely at the click. The last two lines are the turn, so let your voice go soft.

5. Gerald

Woman, ages 35 to 50 · warm and absurd · about 1 minute. The night before a week away, she talks to her sourdough starter, a jar she is holding in both hands.

Okay, Gerald. Listen to me. I’m going away for a week. Seven days. I know. I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not like that.

Your Aunt Pilar is going to feed you. She is not me, I’m aware, but she’s reliable, because she has a scale and a schedule. Equal parts flour and water, once a day. She’ll talk to you. Not as much as I do. Don’t take it personally.

(Whispers.) Be good for her. And don’t do the thing where you climb out of the jar.

You were nothing when I met you. Flour and tap water in a plastic tub, in a bad year. And you rose. That’s what you do. You rise, every day, no questions asked, and I don’t think I’ve ever done that once.

(Puts the jar down. Picks it up again.) Fine. Then I’m taking you with me. There’s room in the cooler bag. Don’t tell Pilar.

Talk to Gerald as you would to a nervous friend, with real affection. The decision to take him comes out of the speech about rising, so let it surprise you. Also, keep the jar close, because it is your scene partner.

Comedic Monologues for Ages 45 and Up

6. Eleven Minutes to Curtain

Director, ages 45 to 60, any gender · relentlessly upbeat · about 1 minute. At a community theater, the cast has gathered backstage, and the front wall of the set just fell and was taped back up.

Everyone in. Closer. Closer. Beautiful.

First, the good news: the wall is up. The bad news: the wall is up with duct tape, and duct tape is not a wall. So here’s what we’re going to do. Nobody leans. Nobody slams. Nobody, and I’m looking at you, Marcus, closes a door like it owes you money.

Second. The audience out there is our friends, our families, and one man who came for the parking. Every one of them wants us to win. Let them.

Third. If you forget a line, and you will, the audience can’t tell, because they’ve never read the script. (Beat.) Except Marcus’s mother. She’s read it twice. Marcus, I’d stay in character.

(Checks a watch.) That’s the five-minute call. Take a breath. We rehearsed this for ten weeks. We are ready. (A creak from the stage. Eyes closed.) The wall. Just… smile.

Your smile is holding the whole room together. First, look at specific actors as you name them. Then let the creak crack the surface for one second before you cover it.

7. Item Forty-One

Man or woman, ages 55 to 70 · dry and quietly proud · about 1 minute. At the retirement party after thirty-eight years at the city water department, this person reads from a long list.

Thank you. Thank you, sit down, please, because the cake is already cut.

Thirty-eight years. I brought notes, which I know is rude, but I’ve been saving a few things. (Unfolds a very long list.)

Item one. The break room microwave does not need a second minute, and it never did. Item two. Walter, a label on a lunch is not a legal contract. I looked into it.

(Skips ahead.) Item forty-one. In 1997 I said I’d have the report by Friday. I want to confirm, today, that it’s on its way. (Looks up.)

(Quieter. Folds the list.) However, the rest I’ll keep. You were good people. Mostly. The best coworkers I’ve ever had, and I’ve only had you, so that’s a very strong statement.

Enjoy the cake. I’ll be at home, not checking my email, for the first time in my adult life.

Treat the list as a private joke that gets warmer as it goes. Stay completely dry through item forty-one. Then let the smile arrive only on “the best coworkers.”

8. Overdue

Woman, ages 60 and over · gracious with a sharp edge · about 1 minute. At the library desk, she returns a mystery novel thirty-one years late to a young librarian.

Good morning, dear. I have a book. (Sets it on the counter.) It’s due back. Well, it was due back. A while ago.

It’s a mystery, and I never finished it, which is the whole problem. I got to chapter nine, and then I had the children, and then I had the other children, and then life put the book in a box. I found it in the garage, behind my husband’s golf clubs. He didn’t golf.

So, what do I owe you? (Listens.) Thirty-one years. Well, that’s a lot of mornings.

(Opens her purse.) I have a coupon for the pharmacy and half a roll of mints. (Beat.) Oh, you’re waiving it. How kind. How very kind.

(Picks the book up again.) So I’d like to check it out. I’ve waited this long to find out who did it. And dear, don’t tell me. I have a feeling it was the husband.

She is never embarrassed, only curious. Also, give each pause a reason, because she is listening to the librarian and enjoying every second of it.

More Monologues

Comedy is only one color, so keep a contrasting piece ready. Casting teams also often ask to see a second one.

• Monologues: the library home, with a guide to choosing and three short samples.
• Dramatic monologues: pieces built on subtext and a quiet turn.
• Monologues for women
• Monologues for men
• Monologues for teens
• Shakespeare monologues
• Monologues for auditions: six more short originals, comedy and drama.

Looking for a place to use them? Then browse the open theater castings, where a monologue is a common first request. For a quick refresher on what the word means, see the Merriam-Webster entry for monologue.